As lead singer of the Dave Clark Five, Mike helped take Glad All Over to the top of the UK chart and launch a string of British Invasion hits.
Special investigation REPORT // Subject: MS-0013
Extraordinary claims.
Ordinary evidence.
One man keeps saying things. We keep checking them. An independent public record of Mike Smith’s ongoing war with objective reality.
BREAKING
MIKE REPORTEDLY “PRETTY SURE” ABOUT SOMETHING AGAIN///MIKE COMMENTS ON PROLIFERATION OF AI: “THE MOVIE SUCKED.”///CONFIDENCE REMAINS UNTROUBLED BY DATA///MIKE SPOTTED AT LOCAL COFFEE SHOP. PATRONS CONFUSED.///
Subject dossier
- Legal name
- NO BIRTH RECORDS FOUND
- Known aliases
- RASPUTIN, SANTA CLAUSE
- Age
- UNKNOWN
- Status
- Still talking
MOSTLY
CLASSIFIED
CLASSIFIED
BIOGRAPHICAL FILE // AUTHENTICITY: UNVERIFIED
1964
1985
1986
1987
1990s
2001
2005
2008
2008
2012
2018
2021
The SECRET life of Mike SMITTY
Mike Smith. Boomer, edgelord, jangoist. A man of few names and even fewer talents, but somehow manages to stay relevant. We never know where he is, but you could probably find him trying to physcially wrestle your nearest data center into submission because Overstock.com sold him a shoddy stool.
Mike helped present the historic Live Aid television broadcast to a global audience.
Piloted the Space Shuttle Challenger, died with his crewmates during mission STS-51-L.
Helped establish the NAMES Project AIDS Memorial Quilt, which grew into the world’s largest community folk-art project.
Rose to prominence in American thoroughbred racing, setting the stage for the nickname “Big Money Mike.”
Debuted the thick-glasses-wearing Bubbles on Trailer Park Boys.
Won his first Kentucky Derby aboard longshot Giacomo.
Including vocalist Mike Smith, the Dave Clark Five were inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Was named AP NFL Coach of the Year after a remarkable franchise turnaround.
Became the winningest head coach in Atlanta Falcons history.
Rode Justify to the Triple Crown, becoming the oldest jockey to pull it off.
Rode Corniche to his record-extending 27th Breeders’ Cup victory.
The permanent record
THE CLAIMS
Newly declassified
LIVE FROM THE FIELD REPORT DATABASE
CASE #MS-001
DEITY STATUS // NO SIGNAL DETECTED
“I am God.”
× False
Confidence: 99.9%
The reality: There is nothing to indicate that Mike is an actual god—lesser, demi, or full-fledged deity. An exhaustive review of the available evidence found no miracles, no prophets, and no tax-exempt place of worship.
Background readingConcept of God ↗
“You know, a boy around here was once eaten by wolves!”
The reality: We found no recorded fatal wolf attack in Arizona history matching Mike’s story. Coyotes, hearsay, and somebody’s cousin do not count as wolves.
The available record of wolf attacks contains no evidence supporting the alleged local incident.
Recorded wolf attacks ↗“.45 is a far superior caliber to 9mm. That’s just known. Yah idiot.”
The reality: It is not “just known.” The ballistic community has debated the trade-offs for decades, and arguments exist for either cartridge. Mike’s confidence is not a unit of terminal performance.
Capacity, recoil, projectile design, accuracy, and intended use all matter. “Far superior” is an opinion wearing a lab coat.
Caliber comparison ↗“The reticles on old scopes were made from blonde Pekingese cunt hairs!”
The reality: Early optics used very fine wire and, in some cases, spider silk. We found no history suggesting that hair from Canis lupus familiaris was used—particularly with the attributes specified by Mr. Smith.
Spider silk really was used for fine optical crosshairs. The extremely specific dog-hair component remains unsupported.
EVIDENCE STATUS: INCONCLUSIVE“Leonard Nimoy has a big book of titties.”
The reality: Leonard Nimoy was an accomplished photographer who published Shekhina, a book exploring feminine spirituality through nude portraiture. Crass and reductionist, certainly. Technically incorrect? No. Mike is right.
This bureau regrets to confirm the essential substance of the claim. The official verdict is TRUE.
About Shekhina ↗Citizen intelligence portal
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